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Andover Church of England Primary School

Striving for Excellence in a happy,secure and Christian environment

Behaviour, boundaries and feelings

Talking to your child about their behaviour

 

It’s normal for your child to go through phases, feel a whole range of different emotions and test boundaries. But if your child is acting out and you’re finding their behaviour hard to deal with, it’s probably a sign that they’re feeling something that’s hard for them to deal with.

 

Your child might not even be aware of the feelings they have deep down that are causing them to act in a certain way. But it’s ok, there are things you can do to help and make things better for both of you.

 

Here are some top tips for talking to your child about their behaviour:

 

1. Find a suitable time and place to talk. Your child might find it easier to open up if you start the conversation while doing an activity.

2. Make it clear that the behaviour is the problem, and not them. Let them know that it’s okay to feel however they feel, whether that’s sad, angry, worried or something else, and that you can work together to find new ways of managing these feelings.

3. Explain why the behaviour is not okay so they understand. For example, you might say that while it’s normal to feel angry, it hurts other people when they hit.

4. Be curious, empathetic and non-judgmental. Focus on listening and trying to understand things from their perspective.

5. Use simple phrases such as ‘I notice there is a lot of shouting happening’, ‘I think something might be upsetting you’, ‘I feel worried you’re not happy’, and ‘I need you to know you can talk to me about what’s going on’.

6. Reassure them that you love them and want to help them feel happier and enjoy things again.

7. Think together about other ways they can manage their difficult feelings. This might be drawing or painting, doing something active like running or their favourite sport, reading a book, writing a story, baking or making something out of playdough or Lego. Let your child know that it’s okay if it takes time to figure out what helps, and you can keep trying together.

 

It is important to remember that behind every behaviour, there is a need. Try to understand what is motivating this behaviour. There may be other outside influences that are affecting behaviour.

 

For example…

  • Screaming and shouting when you are on the phone – attention
  • Wanting a hug when you are talking to a friend – love
  • Saying no to everything, even things they like. Deciding what they want to wear in the morning – independence
  • Wanting to stay by your side when you go to a new environment – security
  • Running and jumping, picking up every object, turning things on and off, asking questions all theS time – learning and exploring
  • Washing up, even if the plates are still dirty at the end – to feel useful
  • Showing you a picture from school – approval
  • Testing out their parents boundaries – knowing where they stand

 

You can respond to unwanted behaviours with different strategies.

 

Ignoring can be an extremely effective way of stopping a lot of irritating behaviour with attention the children will continue to do it.

 

Remember CLOSE DOWN

  • Cut off conversation
  • Look away
  • Offer no reaction
  • Shut off smiles – very difficult!
  • End when you are ready

 

When the child has stopped displaying an unwanted behaviour, give them attention. This way the child will slowly stop the behaviour as they recognise the attention is given for a different behaviour.

 

Also remember – always think about the child’s feelings. “It’s okay for you to feel angry, and it’s okay for you to want what you can’t have and I am not going to get upset about it, I just really mean you can’t have it”.

 

Saying “NO”

  • Be sure we have thought out our reasons
  • Explored the possibilities from the point of view
  • Use non-blameful language
  • Listen to their objections
  • Be congruent
  • Remain calm and quiet on the inside
  • Be clear that it is not a negotiable situation
  • Say “no” in a soft but firm voice
  • Deep breaths and dropping the shoulders helps to stay calm

 

Something becomes a punishment if it is given after the event and the child has no opportunity to change their behaviour. Consequences are not punitive as the child is always given a choice.

 

Consequences are a good way for children to learn from their behaviour. They are able to develop resilience and capability through consequences of their choice. An example would be natural and logical consequences. A natural consequence is where a consequence is the direct result of the child’s actions/behaviour. For example, going outside when it’s raining without a coat – cold, wet clothes. A logical consequence is something given from the parent/care. For example, a child spills their drink, they need to clean it up.

 

Agreed consequences

  • Should be relevant
  • You are willing and able to carry them through – realistic and achievable
  • Tell the child before what the consequences will be
  • The child has a choice over their action
  • Immediate – age and stage appropriate.

 

Boundaries

Rules and boundaries help children make sense of the world around them. They welcome boundaries and it helps them to feel safe. In order to support your child, boundaries need to be in place so that they are able to learn and how to cope with the outside world as well as within your own home environment. Children need boundaries for protection and security as well as to learn about behaviour.

  • Safety – holding your hand not to run into the road
  • Security – children and happy to explore and learn when they feel they have secure boundaries
  • Socialisation – children learn that they cannot always have their own way as this can affect friendships
  • Something to push against – children need to push against boundaries to know where they stand. As they get older, the boundaries will change and this helps them to develop a growing sense of independence
  • Discipline – provide rules about behaviour and helps children understand what acceptable and unacceptable behaviour is. Parents own value system, cultural beliefs and parenting style will determine the rules for the children. This is a way of passing on your own cultural values.
  • Self-discipline – children internalise the rules that they live by and this helps the process of self-discipline, e.g. they decide not to cheat and lie, or complete homework tasks without being told.

 

Feelings

Think about a feeling that you may have and how this can affect your body and behaviour. This may be how a child may be feeling if they experience this emotion.

FEELINGS

BODY

BEHAVIOUR

 

Furious

Angry

 

 

Heart racing

Headache

Teeth gritted

 

 

Yelling

Hitting

 

Frustrated

Depressed

Irritated

Anxious

 

 

 

Shallow breathing

Tired

Sweating

 

Threatening

Difficulty listening

Difficulty thinking

 

Interested

Calm

Happy

Confident

 

 

Heart rate normal

Muscles relaxed

 

Calm

Able to listen

 

If we want children to accept our feelings, it is important that we express ourselves in a way that is:

  • Clear
  • Honest
  • Open
  • Direct
  • Caring

 

We need to:

  • State clearly what we think, feel or want
  • Own it – use “I” instead of “you”
  • Use non-blameful language

“I am starting to get angry and I want you to stop swearing at me”

 

“I’m feeling upset and confused by what you’ve said”

 

“I feel so frustrated”

 

“I feel disappointed”

 

A four part “I” message can be used to express our feelings, therefore helping children to express their feelings:

 

                             I feel…

                               So they know how much of a problem it is for you.

                             When you…

                               Description of what they are doing so they know exactly what you don’t like.

                             Because…

         Actual consequence of what they are doing, so they know why you want them to stop.

         Help…

         A request for help.

 

Can you make an “I” statement that you could use at home with your children or family?

If this is something you feel you need further support with, please contact Miss Harman at n.harman@andover-pri.hants.sch.uk or call 01264 352322.

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